After I wrote the post earlier I went for my run and I couldn't figure out which was heavier my legs or my heart. Most of the time, I use that time NOT to think. Let's face it I don't exactly have a lot of down time between the kids, cleaning house, appointments for the kids, cooking, etc., etc.... I have learned to enjoy this busyness but I also enjoy the 30 minutes of me time that running as allowed me. 30 minutes where I don't have to think about anything, at all.
But tonight as I started my warm up walking, I was plagued by something. God keep throwing my blog post at me for some reason. So I started picking it apart trying to figure it out.
I came to a couple of conclusions: 1. My last posts have been pretty superficial and not at all what I wanted the posts to be when I started this blog. <--This reason then made me think about why I wasn't digging deeper to be truly honest about stuff when that is what I wanted for my blog to be honest about the issues, heart breaks, victories, good and bad days. Which lead to 2. I'm in a funk where I'm feeling sorry for myself for numerous, but not worthy reasons.
But even after I decided these reasons something was still there. God was still poking at me saying "Britt you are almost there but not quite. Dig deeper." So I said okay but I'm kind of lost can you give me a hint :) Isn't that how life often is. I don't know about everyone else but I pray for God to throw a sign right in front of my face with blinking lights that says "This way!! Right here! That's where I want you!!"
As I started my cool down walk it hit me. The internal argument I talked about earlier about whether to leave Dalton at school or not. That was what God was telling me to think about. I'm internally debating over whether or not to leave Dalton at a school and so many years ago Mary was standing by a crossing with a war raging inside of her, I'm sure.
I'm not saying that my argument wasn't a valid one because obviously there is a world of difference in the decision to be made. But a similarity nonetheless. As a mother we want to do what is best for our children, whether they are special needs or not, we just want to make the right decisions so that they can be as happy, healthy, and as successful as they can be.
I cannot begin to imagine the internal argument that raged inside of Mary as she watched her son, Jesus, nailed to a cross to die for my sins. How must she have felt?
I like to think that God gave her the most generous heart EVER otherwise how could she have stood by as it happened without scratching some one's eyes out or worse. God had designed Mary specifically for that job, he knew many years before it happened what would have to be done. There were numerous reasons that he picked her I'm sure of it. But knowing that her spirit would withstand the storm ahead had to be at the top of the list.
Then I got the both big pictures he was trying to point out to me...again. :) 1. That he choose me for my jobs just like he did Mary. He gave me the spirit that I would need to withstand the storms I would be faced with and the support system I needed to help me along the way. 2. To stop feeling sorry for myself. He hasn't given me a harder job than anyone else just a special one. Everyone has something that they have to deal with that isn't perfect in life.
John 19:25 NKJV-- Now there stood by the cross of Jesus His mother
Romans 4:25-5:2 NKJV-who was delivered up because of our offenses, and was raised because of our justification. Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, 2 through whom also we have access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God.
Romans 8:38-39 NKJV-For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.